Turbo Magic Tornado Blitz Kitchen Helper

I don't know if you're busy wasting your time going to work and getting stuff done, but I have been putting in the real hours watching informercials. Sure, you're an engineer, a doctor, a youth worker --but I think it's clear who's really hitting the ol' grindstone.

Obviously these commercials follow a template, and now, for your enjoyment I have compiled the essential elements for you to enjoy. Please, read on if you have the patience of a monk!

1. The Bumbling Idiot -- This guy waltzes on to the scene with a bad attitude and lacking skills. He just wants to watch the game, NOT cook lame dinner. The camera pans to him as he attempts to cut a tomato with a REGULAR knife, and he proceeds to chop off a finger and then stare at the camera in frustration. "This whole back and forth method has got me drowning! There must be an answer."

2. Foreign Host -- Whether you favour Dr. Ho and his Chinese accent, or the OxyClean dude's meth high screaming, these hosts are not your average joe. My favourite hosts are always the guys from poor suburbs of London who say "bread crooombs" instead of bread crumbs when demonstrating how to chop, dice, mix, and wash the Turbo Jet Blending Miracle Whipper.

3. Crotchety Woman -- This actress is always 70+ and just angry at life. Food!? Fuck food I'm trying to keep breathing! You think I got time to chop? She is inevitably stuck in tradition, completely unwilling to accept the new invention. "I like my crockpot, asshole!"

4. The Gracious Couple -- This young pair looks exasperated and forlorn. Their marriage is in the dumpster because they don't have the new invention. The young wife looks to the host and admits, embarrassedly, that her husband loves steak but she's rooting for the chicken team. HOW WILL THEY EVER RECONCILE THEIR DIFFERENCES?! The host reveals suddenly that you can cook both at the same time, "Just poot them in the pan like so!"

By the end of the informercial every stereotype is on board. The racial minority has been accommodated with some patronizing recipe for Kung Pow chicken, and granny suddenly has a new vigor for life. Perhaps what's most depressing is that, as I watch this garbage I have only one (overwhelming) thought.

Damn, I wish I was writing this.

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