the moment you've all been waiting for

Before getting knocked out with the super fun IV I requested to keep my wisdom teeth. I stupidly assumed that they would give me some perfect pearly white things in a clean bag but it turned out to be the opposite.

On my way out of the hospital, still balling my eyes out and talking like I was drunk, the nurse gave me a package of bloody teeth. I kept on looking at the bag being like, this, this is all I get?! After the pain and terror of the surgery I half expected the bag to be an iridescent pink think with a note signed by the tooth fairy and a $100 gift certificate to Swiss Chalet.

What's most disgusting is that they don't even bother to take the gums off of the teeth. They let you get home, pop a couple percocet and get high before you attempt to rip strips of your own mouth off the stupid things. I eventually went at the molars with a knife, specifically for your viewing pleasure.

It's one thing to show your teeth on the internet for entertainment, it's an entirely other issue to do that with flapping gums still attached.

Once again, you can thank me later.

Voila

This one goes out to raymi the minx, or as we like to say in quebec raymi le minx

What did you do this morning? Oh me? Not much just, you know, ate hello kitty waffles.



Really, it was no biggie.



Srsly guys, they tasted almost exactly like normal waffles --'cept if you added sparkle fairy dust and smile sugar and happy yum yum fun town. That's the only difference.





My boyfriend is rad for giving me thoughtful gifts. Sank q!

Happy Birthday to Raymi, thought you might appreciate yet another hello kitty reference on your special day. Happy fun sparkle time girl!

The pictures on this post make no sense I will give you a prize if you come up with a theory for their common denominator

I used to roll out of Montreal on the classy VIA rail train, but now, slightly more impoverished and always last minute I rely on the sketchy rideshare. I drove to and from Toronto with a weird frenchman who explained several things to me:



1) The entire plotline and premise of the "Twilight" series movie. I told him vampire movies weren't really my thing and he said, "No, these vampires are different. The movie was more about story and love...but cool."



2) Cheating on your girlfriend is only bad when you don't have enough energy to come home and have sex with her too. Why was his girlfriend getting on his case about those questionable facebook photos?! Why was she accusing him of cheating yet again? There was NO possible way she could have seen him go to that chick's apartment at 4 am on a Sunday. "Facebook," he whined, "it is the death of me!"



3) "Texting, it is very (h)ard when it is dark and you are driving." Agreed.



4) Women are like nutella jars. Too many spoons and no one wants a dip. He thought this analogy was particularly astute.



5) Leaving your cat alone in an apartment for 6 weeks is okay. Sure, they rip everything up, look dirty and matted, and you receive emails from your neighbours stating that the animal is stuck between the window and the window screen --but it's possible. "The cat wasn't stuck!" he said, "those neighbours are stewpid. She was just bored."



6) Crazy French men DO name their cats "Poutine".



7) Women are over the hill after 21. Once [we] hit a ripe old age of 22 our baby skin is gone and our hips are fat. "I guess it's for da babies," he said.

In the course of our 6 hour ride his girlfriend went from being angry at him, to admitting that she had stolen all his internet passwords (for email, facebook, etc.) to telling him that she was totally done with all his lying and cheating. Done, done, done. I silently thought that this was a good move for her, seeing as her philosophies about relationships clearly weren't matching up with his.

On Sunday's drive home he admitted to me that they were back together. The problem wasn't that he felt sad or guilty, or even that he really wanted to make the relationship work despite his penchant for cheating, but rather that "to break up in person, when she is crying in da Tim (H)ortons's, is very much (h)arder to do than when I text her."

And like any good fairy tale, this one has a moral: technology makes our lives easier.

Vacay

I decided to take a weekend stress leave and escape to Toronto. It's been long enough now since my surgery that I'm able to eat most(ish) foods, and eating I've been. Nothing like losing ten pounds in a week just to gain it back in three days! Though crispy things like tortilla chips and baguettes prove to be a bit difficult on the gaping gum craters, reeses peanut butter cups are A okay.



The boyfriend and I went out on Friday night, but for the majority of the time we've just stayed in being lazy, watching 30 Rock and having feasts. If this sounds lame to you, great, you're not invited to my next birthday party. I can tell you that after several months of writing essays on Hinduism and Joyce, a simple combination of tv, cheese, and relaxation is like finding two twenties in a pair of pants you discover at the bottom of your closet. Forty bones, you exclaim with glee, what could be better?!



When I get back to Montreal I can upload my more recent pictures, including the ones where I compare the size of my removed wisdom teeth to quarters. I know, I know, way too much suspense.

The Good Kind of Muffin Top

Image credit: surlatable.com

I was going to google image search the other kind of muffin top, but feared for my own eyes the onslaught of snapshots sure to be waiting.

I think this could be filed under 'inventions that make your life richer'. Of course there is no actual monetary gain --I work with a 20 year old who makes we wanna poke out my eyeballs because he says this in place of 'money'- but I can guarantee that if you finally say goodbye to all those pesky, unsatisfying muffin bottoms you will achieve spiritual enlightenment.

Your welcome, in advance.

Time + Internet = Guilt

A few nights ago I actually saw my attacker, or for those of you who might need your memory refreshed, the homeless man who punched me in the metro. He was walking around all crazy but despite my urge to sucker punch him back, I just waited for my bus.

I have started to get used to the routine that follows meals now, namely the disgusting process of washing out my teeth craters. If my scale at work (why is there a scale randomly in a university alumni office?) is accurate, I managed to lose 10 pounds in one week. Now that's what I call a diet! My oral surgeon was all, omg eat a protein shake! Yeah! Duh, dude, what do you think I've been doing. Pfft, doctors.



This weekend has revolved around yet another Hinduism essay, and the occasional internet procrastination session to update my blog. I also managed to read about a new pan that makes muffin tops (without the bottoms) and other genius inventions.



And then I painted my nails on only one hand.

Love Party

Image credit: babka.com


Happy Bee Day to mon cherie. I love you more than kittens and cinnamon buns and babies and sales and miniature things and moccasins and hello kitty and waffles and getting mail and good hair days AND the internet.

love carm

Finally!!!

Wisdom Teeth from Lowercase Carmen on Vimeo.

I made this video on Saturday but couldn't get it to work (read: Vimeo had some issues) until now. It lags a whole bunch when I watch it, so let me know if it also does for you and...and I will not have even half the technological know-how necessary to fix it.

Remember, patience is a virtue.

Withdrawl

I'm too tired to keep on fighting with Vimeo. I will upload a video of my chipmunk face if I can figure some stupid technology out. Arghhhh.

Percocet Party

Holy crap surgery sucks. I had to go the hospital for my teeth removal because apparently things were so messed up deep down in my gums that no regular dentist could touch that shit. My oral surgeon was very nice, and even called me at home later in the day to check if I was alright. I have small flashback memories to the surgery, but gather from what was said to me afterwards that I was balling throughout the entirety. The oral surgeon kept on asking "do you feel pain!?" and I was way too far in the drug haze to formulate coherent sentences.

In the end they didn't give me T3's but Percocets instead and let me tell you. WHOAAAA! I think yesterday when I took this thing I was still out of it from the surgery sedation that I didn't realize just how high they get you. Sorry to get all stereotypical stoner on you but I am high as a kite right now. I've been holding off on taking Percocet in the last 12 hours because the pain was manageable but half an hour ago I decided it might be a good idea.

I was planning to go to the store to pick myself up some soup but I'm not too confident that I could even do that right now without stopping people on the street and being all, "Duuude, look how blue the sky is. So BLUEEE."

And hell, I realize this is no academic source but Wikipedia says that when taken orally, Percocet is 1.5-2 times more effective in relieving pain than...get this, HEROIN!

I was going to take a picture of my removed teeth but a)in this drug induced haze my motor skills have kind of plummeted and b)they are f'ing disgusting. Like alien vs. predator or something.

God, okay, this post is so ridiculous but I do plan on taking some teeth pics at some point. Right now I'm gonna go watch some youtube videos on squirrels, or maybe just google image search "hello kitty watermelon" and see what I get.

Wise Crack'n

Tomorrow I get all four of my wisdom teeth out and I'm feeling scared! I know I know, everybody and their dog and then their dog's puppies has had this surgery done but that doesn't mean I'm magically going to feel better about it. I plan to make some soup tonight and have stocked up my fridge with some mush foods, but I wouldn't really mind if I lost a couple pounds on The Wisdom Diet.

The most painful 5 lbs. you'll ever lose!

I haven't taken 4 days off of essay writing in a long time (perhaps years), so if T3's also diminish stress this might be a small little vacation. The kind of vacation where you spit out blood, occasionally puke, and drink lots of blended beverages.

Yup, practically spring break in Cancun.

Breakfast of Champions

Not far from the depths of Montreal's downtown core is a small breakfast joint that serves its eggs and bacon with style. At Serveuses Sexy waitresses are rumoured to be tired, old, and most notably, topless --if nothing else it's a cultural experience.



When we rolled up late this morning the curtains were drawn, as they always are, and we couldn't see if the place was ouvert or ferme. My boyfriend and I walked in and asked a manager if they were still open. The manager looked at me and smiled, he had to be nearly 70, and motioned his head to the other end of the restaurant.

Just come on back, he said in french.

My boyfriend laughed and told him that no, she isn't applying for a job here. Are you still serving breakfast?

Oh, said the man, dejected. No no, we closed at 2.

So we drove on in search of a different breakfast place, and arrived at some ol' regular restaurant where the serving staff was fully clothed. BORING.



I was so hungry that I annihilated my meal in about a minute. Sorry that I was too singularly focused for a before shot. Pain doré all the way.



We also stumbled upon the most absurd mural. Harry Potter, Hagrid, The Mask, and Eddie Murphy...huh? I don't see the connection but fill me in if you have a theory.



Le Beer.



Yeah, it's daylight savings, and yeah I'm gonna have to wake up one hour earlier tomorrow morning, but there are things to be celebrated amongst the suffering. I have found tubs of $1 frozen yogourt at my grocery store and even more auspiciously there is sun in Montreal right now. And when I say sun I don't mean that deceiving kind that signals negative drops in temperature so low that precipitation isn't possible --I mean the warm, normal, vitamin D bearing kind. Take that Seasonal Affective Disorder!



PS -- This was the subject line for an email my mother sent me yesterday: "Explain the, "I got punched by bums" post on your blog"

They love me!

Gettin' Punched by Bums

Things that happened today:

1. I went on a run.

2. I went to work.

3. I went to school.

4. I got punched by a french canadian homeless man in the metro.

5. I called the cops.

Things I thought about doing today:

1. Punching a homeless man back.

Happy Birthday To Me

Shameless(ful?) Internet promotion of my quickly aging mind and body.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

I am riding a bike in this picture, pedaling helplessly away from my youth.